My Favorite Day

After 20 years of marriage, my husband and I have recently had a new experience.   A weekly day all to ourselves.  Technically, I guess it’s not completely new.  There were those 16 months we had alone before our first baby was born.  But, that’s been so long ago, we can’t remember much about them.  And after years of pre-schoolers and homeschoolers, we now have all of our kids in school and also have the same day off from work. 

Fridays.  Fridays are the new Christmas.

Because that’s what it feels like.  A gift!  Every single week.  An entire day of coffee, gym time, errands, lunch, laundry, naps, yard work.  It doesn’t really matter what we do.  It’s just a gift to have an entire day to be together.   To talk if we want to talk.  To not talk if we want silence.  To just be, even if we need to get things done.  To be together.

And I believe we consider it a gift because those moments have been rare while raising four kids.  Not that I begrudge one moment of the crazy and the chaos of a big family.  I just appreciate the stillness when it comes, and appreciate it even more when the man I fell in love with is in the same room with me.

And the most joyful part of Fridays?  Realizing we still love being in the same room.  Even after all these years of working in the same office and growing the kids in the same house, I like having him around.  Another gift.  Being alone with someone and still liking them.

Every Monday, I already look forward to Friday.

And it occurred to me sometime today that there is someone who feels that same way about me.  Someone who loves our alone time.  Someone who counts down the days until we can be together, just me and Him.  Someone who still likes me, even though He’s known me for forty years.  Someone who hasn’t even once gotten bored with me.

In this moment, I could listen to the guilty musings that I don’t return His affection properly.  I could meditate on all the time wasted on trivial distractions instead of in His presence.  And I could try to fix it with checklists and schedules.

Or I could just let Him woo me.  Like a wife responding to the husband who adores her and wants to spend the day with her.  I could turn from the crazy and the chaos and enter into the place where He is.  And the place where He is waiting to be. 

To be with me.

 A list of discussion topics for your time alone with your spouse, or maybe even for your time alone with the One who loves you most:

* What is a dream you have for you?

* What is a dream you have for us?

* What is your favorite memory of us?

* What is the most beautiful place we’ve ever been together?

* Where would you most like to go together in the future?

* Why do you like me?

* Who do I remind you of?

* How would you most like to spend a day together, if money or location was not an obstacle?  (Then make plans to get as close as you can to your dream, even if it means substituting a local landmark for the Eiffel Tower.)

Love Stories

I received something for Christmas this past year that I've always wanted.  In fact, I've spent my whole life searching for it, but could never quite find it. 


The perfect sweatshirt. 


And now I have it, thanks to my husband.  It's the perfect weight...light, but still warm.  It's the perfect color...the cozy gray that says "go ahead and stay home all day, you deserve it."  And it has the perfect sentiment written across it in large, black, block letters.


It says, "I LIKE TO PARTY.  AND BY PARTY, I MEAN READ BOOKS."


Oh yes.  I told you it was perfect for me.  It's everything I've ever wanted in a sweatshirt.  That's why it's the first thing I put on when I get home from work.  Every single day.  I have become the sweatshirt person.  But, I don't judge myself.  It's too perfect to permit judging.  I only regret I didn't own it sooner.


But, how did this man know me so well?  How did he know just what would make my introverted heart so exquisitely happy?


Well, besides the secret Pinterest board entitled "Things I'd Like To Own" that I created just for him, he probably knew because I read.  I read a lot.  It's the way I learn best, and it's the way I relax the best.


So, it makes sense that it's also the avenue that has taught me quite a bit about love.  When I read people's stories, either in works of fiction or non-fiction, it's what I'm always looking for.  The love story.  The relationship that redeemed the past and made things new.  The heart connection that turned everything around. 


And I know I'm not alone.  Our culture celebrates love stories, and I think it's because deep down, we're all searching for a love story. 


Whether we realize it or not, every heart yearns to hear the thread of narrative that echoes the truths of the greatest love story ever told.  The story that stretched from a far-away realm to our world, right here in all of its ordinariness.  The story of an epic battle between good and evil.  The story of a man who came searching for His bride, to redeem her and make her his. 


The story of Heaven, looking to make its home in us.


Author's Note:  As our culture celebrates love this week, I pray you will enjoy this collection of my favorite quotes from fiction that echo the happy ending we've all been offered.  And if you're looking for a sentiment to pen into a Valentine's card, you can't go wrong with any of these.  You just might also want to make sure the card is attached to the perfect sweatshirt, if you want it to be a holiday long remembered. 




"Was he willing to blend into the life of another human being for the rest of his days, and have hers blend into his? That, of course, was the Bible’s bottom line on marriage: one flesh. Not separate entities, not two autonomous beings merely coming together at dinnertime or brushing past one another in the hallway, holding on to their singleness, guarding against invasion. One flesh!" - Jan Karon, A Light in the Window


“Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person: having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them out. Just as they are—chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - Dinah Mariah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1826–1887”


"Love, in its truest form, is not the thing of starry-eyed or star-crossed lovers, it is far more organic, requiring nurturing and time to fully bloom, and, as such, seen best not in its callow youth but in its wrinkled maturity. Like all living things, love, too, struggles against hardship, and in the process sheds its fatuous skin to expose one composed of more than just a storm of emotion–one of loyalty and divine friendship. Agape. And though it may be temporarily blinded by adversity, it never gives in or up, holding tight to lofty ideals that transcend this earth and time–while its counterfeit simply concludes it was mistaken and quickly runs off to find the next real thing.”  - Richard Paul Evans, The Letter 


“I come here with no expectations, only to profess, now that I am at liberty to do so, that my heart is and always will be yours.”   - Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility


"My love isn't a weapon, it's a lifeline, reach out and take hold, and don't let go!” - Francine Rivers, Redeeming Love

"I lived with visions for my company,

Instead of men and women, years ago,

And found them gentle mates, nor thought to know

A sweeter music than they played to me.

But soon their trailing purple was not free

Of this world's dust, — their lutes did silent grow,

And I myself grew faint and blind below

Their vanishing eyes. Then THOU didst come ... to be,

Belovèd, what they seemed. Their shining fronts,

Their songs, their splendours, (better, yet the same,

As river-water hallowed into fonts)

Met in thee, and from out thee overcame

My soul with satisfaction of all wants —

Because God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame."

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets from the Portuguese, 26

Date Night, Part Three

Author's Note:  This is the last of a three part series on date night suggestions.  Happy Valentine's Day!


Date Night #3:  "The Cheap Skate Date"

• Prepare each other a gift that cost you nothing.  Give it to one another as you leave the house.  It will set the "thrifty" tone!
• Go to at least 4 fast food locations.  Order ONLY one item per person at each restaurant.  (Example:  your drink at Taco Bell, your appetizer at Wendy's, your main dish at Arby's, and your dessert at McDonald's)
• If you have a smart phone that has a good photo app, take a picture of yourselves at each place and create a photo collage of your "dinner."
• Find a free community event and attend it.  Choose something that you never would have attended otherwise--it'll make it more memorable.
• Take a blanket to a scenic spot and watch the sun go down together, with a carafe of coffee from home!

Date Night, Part Two

Date Night #2:  "The Something Old Date"

• Recreate your first date as closely as possible.  If you still live in the same town, this will be fairly easy to do.  If you live in a different location from where you began your relationship, you might have to substitute some things, but make the evening's agenda as close as possible to what you did the first time you went out together.
• Talk about your favorite memories from the first days and weeks of your relationship.  What special things do you remember from your first few dates that endeared your spouse to you early on?
• Bring along your wedding album and/or your box of photos/mementos from your dating days and go through them together.
• If you still have a copy of your wedding vows, read them to each other again.
• Bonus thought:  If you still have an article of clothing or jewelry that you wore early on in your relationship, wear it on your date.  Depending on its out-of-dateness, it may cause a laugh or two, but that will only add to the memory making! 

Date Night, Part One

A couple of years ago, my husband and I realized we needed to step up our date night game.  The kids were getting older, we were getting busier, and it was becoming easier and easier to forget about taking time to be together. 

One on one time. 

Where we dressed up. 

And ate nice food. 

And talked about big people things. 

And laughed.

And had new experiences together.

And came home not just loving each other, but really, really liking each other.

So, now it's something we prioritize, which is harder than it sounds.  And what we've found is that the more time and attention we put into our date nights, the more they lend themselves to heart connections and the more memorable they are.  Not that dinner and a movie isn't a perfectly nice thing to do, but if it's all we ever do, the dates seem to run together in retrospect instead of sticking out as special highlights as one calendar page turns to another.

But, I'll be honest.  It's hard to come up with creative dates again and again.  Which is why I'm a big fan of taking other people's ideas.  So, in the spirit of generosity, "Treasure the Ordinary" will be offering three date night ideas for the next three days, leading up to Valentine's Day.  I pray they might be a blessing to you as you jump start creativity in your relationship. 

And if you happen to be someone who is without a significant romantic relationship in your life right now, might I offer this suggestion?  What would happen if you prayed for God to show you someone who needed encouragement, someone who is alone in this season of their life, and asked them to accompany you on a friendly outing?  You can take these ideas, make them completely platonic, and you might just change someone's outlook on life.


Date Night #1:  "The Something New Date"

• Guys:  Bring your spouse a type of flower you've never purchased before when you come home!
• Go to a restaurant you've never been to before.
• Order something you've never ordered before.
• Tell each other a story you've never told before.
• Go to a bookstore and buy a "how to" kit for something you've never done before.  (Examples:  origami, playing the harmonica, paint by numbers, etc.) Go somewhere and tackle the new project together!
• Stop in for coffee before heading home in a new environment.  This is a great time to try out a new, hipster coffee joint!

Creating the Love Spark, Days 1-14

Last year here on Treasure the Ordinary, the "Creating the Love Spark" thread offered a bit of encouragement for feeding your marriage every day, from February 1 right up until Valentine's Day.  This year, all the Love Spark challenges are all in one spot, right here for your convenience. 

If you didn't take the challenge last year, it's never too late to choose to invest in the health of your marriage.  Just click on each day as it comes, read, pray, and follow your heart. 

"Creating the Love Spark" Challenge:

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

Day 6

Day 7

Day 8

Day 9

Day 10

Day 11

Day 12

Day 13

Day 14

 

This year's bonus "spark" idea:  How long has it been since you and your spouse had some photos made together?  The picture above shows it doesn't have to be a serious, costly venture (although that would be wonderful as well!)---it can just be you and your camera on a tripod, with a stick-on mustache from the dollar store.  The point is to have fun together and make some memories.  And in a culture where couples often air their frustrations with each other in public, it never hurts to have something to show to the world that yells, "We love each other!"  So, go ahead, put your commitment to each other on display!

10 Things I Want My Daughter-In-Law To Know About My Son

Dear Beautiful One,

I don't know you yet, but I look forward to meeting you.  I have been working hard for years to prepare for your entrance into our family.  You have been in my prayers for going on two decades now, and always will be.

I've told my son so many times that choosing you would be the single most important decision of his life, apart from choosing to follow Jesus.  He giggled when he was little when I would talk about these things, but he's begun to be aware enough of the passage of time that he nods his head now, listening.

There are so many things I wish you could see, right here, in this time and place.  I wish you could see them because I've longed to see the same things in my own husband's life.  To see him as an infant, looking so much like his big brother.  To see him as a child, running free.  To see him as a teenager, figuring out this whole thing called life.

But, you can't see them.  You'll have to trust me.

He's the most amazing young man you'd ever be privileged to know.

He's incredible.

Not to say he doesn't have some quirks we're working on (who doesn't?), but even those are adorable, at least to this mama.

And there are some things being this boy's mom has taught me that I want to share, things that would have been helpful to know about a man when I said, "I do," but somehow didn't come clear until I was responsible for nurturing a boy.

I hope you can receive them from my heart to yours, with love and tender hope that you and this child of mine can make your home a place of peace and a jungle of joy.

1.  You won't ever completely figure out how a man thinks.  You were created differently.  Just embrace that.

2.  The longer you're with him, the more grateful you'll be that he thinks differently than you.  It's the balance that makes marriage work.

3.  Guys are messy.  They don't mean it to be extra work for you, they just don't see the mess the way you do.  When you need his help to clean up, ask him.  He knows how, I've seen to that---so just smile and ask for the help.  And when he helps, thank him sincerely.  No, he might not always notice what you do to thank you for it in return, but he does appreciate you.

4.  He also may not notice every time you do something new or different to your hair.  If he doesn't, stand in front of him and cough several times.  I've trained him to pay attention when he hears coughing. 

5.  He won't parent the way you do.  It's important for you to have the same basic plan, but allow him to be the dad.  Kids need both.

6.  He thrives on affirmation.  Respect who he is and tell him often why you respect him.  You'll be happier married to a man who is secure in your respect than one you've torn down with criticism.

7.  Don't expect him to know how to handle your tears.  He'll probably always feel a little awkward about them.  Don't worry about it.  He'll get over it.

8.  When he buys you something, don't take it back, even if it's not your favorite.  A gift is like a love note; you don't hand them back, you treasure them.

9.  Men need spontaneity and fun in their lives, in every area.  Make sure you don't take yourself too seriously--joy can be found in the tiny spaces of life if you'll let it.

10.  You are his greatest treasure, a costly jewel above all price.  He adores you.  Live your life assuming that everything he does is with the intention of blessing you.


With all my love and yet another prayer,

Your Future Mother-In-Law

When A Bird Flies From The Nest

We'd been home from vacation for half a day before we drove an hour to the wedding of a dear friend's daughter.  She is twenty and she was radiant with joy.  The groom looked even younger than I remembered my 21 year old groom looking, and he was obviously enthralled by his bride.


We've known this beautiful girl since she was a wee thing, maybe five or six years old.  We'd known she was dating someone seriously, but I was still surpised when her father told us she was engaged.  There's nothing that makes you feel your age then the people who are still kids in your mind sending you a wedding invitation.


I wore my best dress and marveled at my husband looking splendid as we drove to the ceremony.  He even bought me a new evening wear handbag on our way.  A quick stop for dinner, and then we were seated in the gorgeous church sanctuary.


The music began.  The groom came out with the preacher.  The doors opened.  She entered.


And that's when it happened.  Tears sprang to my eyes, completely surprising me.  I never cry at weddings.  They're usually too exciting, too fun, and filled with too many things to see to leave room for tears in my eyes.


But this time it was different.


I swallowed and discovered it was difficult with the lump in my throat. 


And then I realized what was happening.


For the first time in my life, I was identifying more with the parents of the bride than the bride herself. 


My heart was aching for the exquisitely beautiful loss that was occurring.


Yes, our friends were gaining a wonderful son-in-law.  They were watching the creation of a new household that will bring them grandchildren and a family legacy.  They were reaping the rewards of years spent in good parenting.


But, they were most definitely experiencing a loss at the same time. 


They were watching their little girl fly right out of their nest, even while they watched her take her place in the world as the friend of their hearts they could be proud to know.


They were closing the door to a parenting chapter in their lives, even as they opened a wider door to the next season.


They were saying goodbye to the girl who had shared their name all her life, even while their lips said hello to the woman who now has a new name.


And I realize it won't be long, really, until it's my daughter who has a new name.  Until it's my son who's responsible for taking care of a wife.  Until we drive home to a nest still warm from the baby birds who have flown away to their own nests.


And that's why I cried.  Out of the ache that comes with recognizing the loss that will come.  And out of gratefulness that I get to have the years that I do with these amazing people I call my children.


And that's why I also laughed and danced at her reception with my still young looking husband.  Out of the sheer joy that comes from God's brilliant idea--family.

Photo by Becky Wilkinson-Cauthen.

Giveaway: The Marriage Coach

My husband has a beautiful tradition.  Every year on his birthday, he gives me and the kids a present.  I suppose I think it's a beautiful tradition because he's really good at giving gifts, so I always receive something wonderful--not just on my birthday, but again five months later on his!


This year, I wanted to follow in his footsteps right here on Treasure the Ordinary.  Sunday is my birthday, and to celebrate, I would love to give away two sets of the newest resource from von Atzigen Ministries, the Marriage Coach CD Set.


The Marriage Coach is a four sermon series that "coaches" couples how to succeed in their marriages.  It was released in February of this year, and we have been so blessed to see the fruit it is reaping in marriages and families.


For more information about the Marriage Coach, log on to vonatzigenministries.com.


To enter the giveaway, just enter your email address in the subscription box in the upper right hand corner.  Two winners will be drawn from new subscribers on Sunday, June 10th, and notified that same day.


Blessings to you---may you give and receive many gifts this week!

The Marriage Coach

Taking His Name

Our sixteenth wedding anniversary was last week.  My husband surprised me with a one-night trip to a bed and breakfast in the Texas Hill Country.  The Haven River Inn is run by a Christian couple who minister to ministers by providing a place of retreat, and we were refreshed just being there together, rocking on the big wrap-around porch.

He had one other surprise up his sleeve, as well.  He had made a donation to the ministry there in my honor, and in return, they placed a lovely brick on the walkway to the river.

Due to to the fact that he married a woman who is not always watching where she's going, my beloved had to stand over said brick and cough loudly several times before I finally saw it.  But, when I did, I was astounded. 

Our name.  For all to see. 

Only, it wasn't always my name.  My maiden name was Davis.  Quite simple and easy to spell.  Now, it's von Atzigen.  Quite difficult all around.

Seeing it there in print reminded me of a sermon my husband preached a couple of years ago about the joys of changing your name to "Christian" when you become a follower of Jesus.  I think I can relate to the fact that it can be difficult to change your identity, to take on a new name.  But, I will also shout it from the mountains that it's worth it. 

Being known as HIS is worth it.

It's worth every little piece of sacrifice.  Because HE is worth it.



From the author:  If you have a few minutes, I invite you to listen to this humorous excerpt of that message as my husband invites me to explain just why it's worth it....

Click here to listen.  (recording is about 6 minutes long)  You may wish to scroll to the bottom of this page and pause the music before you link to the message.

(in)courage Guest Blog: Hope For Marriages

I visited my eight-year widowed grandmother this weekend. It still shocks me to see her without my grandfather by her side. They were a matched pair, a perfect set, now waiting for the beautiful day they will be reunited. And she limps along with a smile, but with the gait of one who is missing half of herself.


I came home to wave at my one-week widowed neighbor. The grief is still too new, too raw to process. For how do you even decide alone what to eat for breakfast when you've been making decisions together for sixty-four years?


And then yesterday I heard the tale I've listened to so many times, told with tears running down the face and exhaustion in the eyes. The details change a little depending on the teller, but the stories are all pretty much the same. How the marriage started well, but has slowly died and is heading to the place beyond hope of resurrection. How wounds have been inflicted and trust has been broken. How love was taken for granted and priorities were shifted. How they wish it could change, but just don't see how.


And I can't help seeing those two women while I listen. Two women who would give anything to be held once more by the man whose socks once littered their bedroom floor. The same two women who will tonight go to bed alone instead of beside the snore that kept them awake for countless hours. The two women who now have only themselves to cook dinner for.


What would those women say in this moment?


To read more, log on to (in)courage, where the author of Treasure the Ordinary is a guest blogger today...

To read more on marriages, click the "Love Spark" label to the right for 14 days of encouragement on bringing life to your marriage.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 14

Author's Note:  This is the last day of the "Creating the Love Spark" series.  May the Lord bless you and fan the flame of love in your marriage.


We married young.  And I've never regretted it.


But, there have been times I've wished I could visit that nineteen year old girl who was about to drive away on her honeymoon with her twenty-one year old groom and share a few things she needed to know.  And if I could pull her aside and look into her eyes glistening with excitement for the road ahead, I would whisper these words.


I would tell her marriage is going to be a little harder than she expects, but more worth it than she has ever dreamed.


I would tell her she is about to discover all the places in her heart where selfishness reigns, and not to be afraid of being schooled into selflessness, because her needs will get met, too.


I would tell her there will be times in her near future when she doesn't know where her next meal will come from as she and her husband make their way into the world, but not to fear lack, for He always brings the next meal.


I would tell her that true intimacy requires utter abandonment of self-consciousness, but that she will eventually gain true self-confidence in the process.


I would tell her that she will be asked to trust her husband in ways she has never thought about, but that she will learn he can hear God, too.


And I would tell her that she will feel the growing pains of the two becoming one for a long time, but that she will never want to return to being half of what she has become.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 13

I love to create.  It feeds my soul.  I never know when inspiration will strike, but when it does, I usually move quickly.  It's an enjoyable way of life for me, a spontaneous streak in my otherwise ordered and consistent personality.


Maybe that's why it's usually a stretch for my husband.  He's used to being the unpredictable one, and in this one arena of our marriage, he never knows what to expect from me.


The list of creative genius is long, but not always successful, as many of them involve paint, and everyone knows paint is always a gamble.  Here are just a few:

• There was the time I was cooped up in an ice storm with four kids for three days while he was preaching in India.  He came home to a ten foot wide prayer painted across our dining room wall, all by hand, and all with eyeshadow applicator brushes.  (It was all I had at home, and I couldn't risk the icy roads with the kids for something as trivial as paint brushes.  And besides, that much time invested in one project ensures it will never get painted over.)
• There are the many, many times I've written dramas to illustrate his sermons, most of them requiring him to stretch out of his comfort zone and be my acting partner.
• There are, of course, the countless times he's come home to furniture being completely re-arranged in one room, or two, or three.
• There was the time I stayed up all night painting a scripture across our bathroom wall.  No one will ever doubt that God heals all our diseases after a trip to the restroom at our house.
• There was the infamous time I decided to refinish our kitchen table, and it came out a horrid pepto-bismol pink.  He graciously offered to buy me a new one, but supported me as I tried again and achieved a lovely farm-house red.  We may be the only family in our small town sitting down to a red table to eat, but he has never once complained. 
• There was the three hundred pound fireplace mantle I made him stop and barter for when I saw it standing all lovely in the midst of a house demolition, which was followed by the process of finding where it would look the best in our house, and then thinking it would look better over there...
• There was that chunk of our savings that he willingly invested into my dream of recording and producing a worship project.  "All Things New" is two years old now and has been an instrument of hope in hundreds of lives.
• Then there was the brilliant idea of hauling the afore-mentioned red table to the lake shore and setting up a beautiful tablescape for our Christmas photo shoot.  Man, I love that picture.

And through each one of these, and so many, many more, my husband has never once hindered me from creativity.  He may shake his head, but he always smiles while he does it.  And when I'm finished with my creation, he is always my biggest fan, admiring my work and telling me it is perfect.


He has somehow always intuitively known creativity is the part of me that makes me come alive.  And he has not only refrained from squelching it, even when it inconveniences him, but he has nurtured it. 


Every person has something deep within them that makes them who they are.  Something that fulfills their soul and gives them purpose.  Something God placed within them that expresses His own heart.  For me, it is the desire and ability to create.  And my husband's effort to recognize that, encourage it, and applaud me for it means he is a part of causing me to become who God dreamed I would be.


And isn't that the goal of marriage?  To be a help-mate?  To spur one another on to fulfilling every dream and plan and purpose God has for our lives?

I believe it is. 

And when two people who are living the lives God intended come together as one, the finished product can't help but be a work of art.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 12

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."  (I Peter 4:8)

I like the fact that it was Peter who penned those words.  Of all the disciples, I believe he knew best what it meant to be loved much because he had been forgiven much.  And at the end of the day, he knew it was true: love covers sin.  And the reality of that kind of love caused him to be set free from his sin so that he could truly "go and sin no more."

I wonder how many marriages would find healing if husbands and wives took these words and applied them to their marriage relationships.  What would it do for people not to have their sins, past and present, bullet pointed, shouted from the rooftops, and chronicled for daily remembrance?  How many people would be set free from guilt and shame simply by their spouse choosing to "cover" them by forgiving quickly and refusing to play the constant blame game?

Yes, of course there is a time and place for correction.  For the pointing out of blind spots.  For iron sharpening iron.  (Proverbs 17:27)

But, if that kind of correction doesn't stem from an attitude of honor and humility, it is not a covering love.  If it does not speak with tenderness or consideration of the hidden places of the other person, it is not a covering love.  And if it does not care to be gentle with genuine weakness or concern itself with prayer for restoration, it is not covering love.

There are many voices that condemn your spouse for their sin and even for their woundedness, with the loudest voice being their own.  Don't let your voice join the chorus.  Sing a different song, one of covering love.  

Creating the Love Spark, Day 11

Our culture has been sold a story.  A Hollywood story.  And the story we've bought tells us that love is flowers, moonlit serenades, and twenty-five women in hot tubs for one handsome bachelor.  It has defined love as something we fall into, and often fall out of.  It has shaped our expectations for a lifetime together to be one of roller-coaster emotions and dramatic story lines.

And the Hollywood story has been so pervasive that it has changed the way we view our own love story.  It can even persuade us to believe we do not have a love story, but only a shallow imitation.

That is a dangerous lie.

The truth is that most of Hollywood's story is not a love story at all, but one of sentiment. 

And if you believe its story to be truth, you will miss the true love that is around you while you chase the sentiment.

Sentiment says, "I'm attracted to you in this moment."  Love says, "I'm committed to you for a lifetime."

Sentiment says, "Of all the people I've ever been with, you are the most exciting."  Love says, "It doesn't matter who I've known or who I'll meet, I choose you."

Sentiment says, "You look gorgeous tonight." And sometimes love just says, "You look really tired tonight."

And the wonderful thing is that love can include sentiment.  There really are times when romance is in the air and passion is blazing.  But, sentiment, on its own, doesn't equal love.  And if romance and passion are not fruit of something much deeper, then as soon as the sentiment fades, the bachelor feels obligated to find it again with the next woman in the hot tub.

It may be the biggest mistake a woman can make in her marriage.  To expect her husband to behave as if he's the hero in a romance novel written by a woman.  To be disappointed when he can not read her mind and know the exact way she's dreaming of having love expressed.  To feel unloved when he fails to put his feelings for her into words scripted by a Hollywood writer.  To be angry when he is simply himself, as if her heart would not break if he were to ask her to be something other than what she is. 

If you want to create a love spark in your marriage, take your eyes off the mirage, and put them on the real thing.  Choose to stop lusting after the sentiment, and embrace the reality of love you already have.  Decide to no longer compare your story with the one that has been sold to you, and celebrate the beauty of the pages you're writing with the one who will make "happily ever after" the raw, rugged thing of beauty it was meant to be.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 10

1 Corinthians  is likely the most quoted Bible passage on the topic of love, and rightly so.  It clearly draws the blueprints for what love should look like.  But, sometimes the power of a passage is lost in our familiarity with it.

Take a moment to read it from the Message Bible.  Read it like it's the first time you've ever received God's instructions on how to love.  Consider your relationship with your husband or your wife as you read.  Let it shake you up.  And let it move you to truly love.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

(I Corinthinas 13:1-7, The Message Bible)

Creating the Love Spark, Day 9

My husband and I love art.  We've purchased countless pieces as gifts for each other through the years and even had a couple commissioned that said exactly what we wanted to say.  Our home and offices are full of works of art that have become works of heart.

It's a way to say, "I love who you are."

It's a way to say, "I see who you are becoming."

It's a way to say, "I am grateful for the gift of you."

What gift do you give that speaks those things to your spouse?  It doesn't have to be art, it could be anything that will communicate your heart to the one you love most.

And whatever work, time, or money it takes to speak the language of love is completely worth it.  It is, after all, the only language worth speaking.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 8

I love to people watch.  I especially love to couple watch.  My husband laughs at me sometimes when we're in a restaurant and he catches my eyes roving the room.  He usually asks, "What do you see?"

Sometimes I tell him, sometimes I just smile and return to gazing into his eyes instead.

But, I've seen a lot.  I've seen couples who are in love.  I've seen couples who are angry.  I've seen newlywed excitement.  I've seen middle-age apathy. 

My favorite thing to see are the elderly couples who still have something to say each other.  It's even better when they laugh together.

This is what I have set before me as my marriage's life goal.  To still have something to say when we're ninety.  To still laugh. 

And I've realized I get there by gazing into his eyes today.  Speaking my heart today.  Laughing with him today.

What a beautiful way to grow old.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 7

I lead worship at our church.  It's an amazing privilege because there is nothing more beautiful than seeing believers enter into the presence of the Lord.  And music is a doorway for that.  I believe it's because God created music to bypass the brain and go straight to the heart.  There is truly no other medium as effective as music to capture the soul.  The moment a strain of music is heard, it has the power to literally change a person's mood--for good, or for bad.  But, it was created for good.  To move us into a love exchange with Jesus, the lover of our soul.

Music can also be harnessed to move us into a love exchange with our spouse.  Unfortunately, it could also be used to focus on the negative things in a relationship.  We have a choice and an opportunity to use it for the good of our marriages.

Make a playlist of the songs that make you walk down memory lane.  The songs that make you close your eyes and remember what he looked like when he asked you out the first time.  The songs that make you remember the tough season and the way you got through it together.  The songs that cause gratefulness for the beauty of your life to rise up with you.

My playlist is called "Vintage Love."  Even the name inspires me to remember.

So, the next time you're feeling aggravated or upset with your spouse, don't turn the dial to the "he's done me wrong" station.  Play your own music.  And dance to the beat of your own drum.  Let the cadence of your own lyrics remind you why you loved in the first place.

Creating the Love Spark, Day 6

We have a lot of traditions in our marriage.  Most of them we have kept now for years and years, so that they are worn and comfortable, a security blanket of our affection for each other.

We have a tradition for a Christmas gift exchange, a tradition for Valentine's Day, and a tradition for when we are apart from each other on mission trips.  We once even had a tradition for celebrating the day we found out what gender our babies were--got to do that one four times!

We have a few more, too.  And I could list them here.  But, wouldn't it be better to dream up your own?  What is important to you?  What do you laugh together about?  What moves you both?

Answer those questions for yourself and start a tradition that centers around one (or more!) or them.  It will come from your heart and it will wrap the security blanket of affection around your spouse.  And that's a beautifully warm gift.