Life Together

"As I was praying for you..."

That was the first sentence in a letter I received this week, sweetly tucked in with a beautiful gift of flowers and watercolor print.  The rest of it chronicled her prayers over my life and what she could see God doing in this season I'm in.  It was from one of the ladies in my monthly dinner group, and was quietly dropped off to my office while I was out running errands.  

This group of women has been meeting together since the first of the year.  We have a date, the second Thursday of the month, that's now blocked off for gathering around the table.  We eat, we talk, we laugh, we pray, and we eat some more.

And even though I always know it's going to be fun, sometimes I don't feel like gathering.  Since it's at my house, gathering means cleaning (I've tried not to worry about this, but I can't not worry about it), cooking, and finding some place for my family to eat dinner without making a mess of what I just cleaned.  It never fails that I end up being tired that day and wish I could warm up a frozen pizza for my family and eat dinner in my bathrobe.

But, I am always, without fail, so glad that we gathered.  Every time the last woman leaves the front porch after that one last goodbye chat, I am thrilled that I get to share my life with them and partake of theirs.  They are all so beautiful and so valuable, and when we share a meal together and then take the deep breath and jump into the pool of vulnerability month after month, their beauty and value spills over the wall of their own life and flows into mine.

This is the way women were meant to be together.  Friends.  Confidants.  Champions of each other.  It's what every little girl is looking for when she heads into the lunch room and wonders where to sit.  It's what grown women still long for when they find themselves in transition and wonder where their safe place is. 

And it doesn't happen by accident.  Because life is crazy, and families are demanding, and vulnerability is terrifying.  There is only one way it happens.  It happens when you decide you have to have it and that it's a vital part of shepherding your heart and having something to give to the people you love.  It happens when you take a risk and throw open the door to your home and your heart at the same time.  It happens when you welcome the beauty of the woman next to you into your life and tell your own insecurities they can not dictate your parameters to you anymore. 

And the reward of letting go and diving in is the note and the flowers and the watercolor that speak life to your soul because someone loves you and is praying for you and listening to what God has to say about her friend..  It's the text you can send in the middle of the night when your kid is sick and you're scared.  It's the lunch you know you can grab in the middle of the week that will connect your heart in a matter of four minutes, before the bread even comes. It's the long phone call when you're a mess and don't want anyone to know, but also know you can't afford for anyone not to know.  A reward beyond price.

Last week, we met at a restaurant instead of my house, because life.  

And I noticed the ladies around the table all had a hard time getting there, because life.  

There was a lot of weariness in the eyes as we sat down, because life.  

But, after thick bowls of pasta and laughing until we snorted, I also noticed that the walk to our cars looked different.  We were full of energy, and our smiles were in our eyes.  

Because life together.

Your Great High Priest

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin."    - Hebrews 4:15


If you've been judged for giving grace to a sinner...He has, too.  (Luke 7:36-50)

If you've been judged for speaking the truth in love...He has, too.  (John 6:25-66)

If you've been lied about and maligned...He has, too.  (Matthew 12:22-24)

If you've had your words twisted and used against you...He has, too.  (Mark 15:29)

If your intentions have been misinterpreted...His have, too.  (John 12:12-13)

If you've looked at the task you've been called to and wished there was another way...He has, too.  (Luke 22:42)

If you've been deserted by everyone who once committed to stay...He has, too.  (Mark 14:50)

If you've been betrayed by the one who professed to be a friend...He has, too.  (Mark 14:43-46)

If you've been pierced by the ones you're trying to help...He has, too.  (John 19:2, 18,34)

And then, from the cross, unrecognizable as a man, He prayed this prayer,

"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  (Luke 23:34)

And you can, too.

Because your priest, the healer of your soul, was never buried into bitterness or apathy.  

He did not quit.

He rose. 

He rose from the tomb and into His Father's arms. 

He rose from the vile accusations of man and into the light of truth.

He rose from the disgrace of being naked on a cross and into the glorious realm that had never ceased to proclaim His majesty.

He rose to make a way for the very ones who scorned him to come to the Father.

And if the Spirit of this beautiful man has taken up residence in you, then you need not die by the criticisms or rejections of mankind.  You, too, can rise above them.  You, too, can extend forgiveness.  (Colossians 3:13)

And to journey forward, you need only look for approval from one pair of eyes.  Eyes that won't be hard to find if you refuse to stare into the gaze of judgment.


For they have never stopped looking at you.  (Romans 8:34)

It Takes All Kinds

Our family came across a poster this last week that caused a good laugh in our house.  It read, "Introverts UNITE.....separately....in your own rooms."

Because we have a full house of six people that is also pretty evenly divided when it comes to introverts and extroverts, we could see the humor.  The extrovert bunch love to go and do, they love crowds, and they are energized by being around people.  The introvert bunch loves the moments of solitude (hard to come by in a house our size), intimate moments with close friends, and being energized by quiet reflection and creative endeavors.

Neither are wrong.  Just different from each other.

But, I also came across a passage by theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer this week that carries a warning to both.

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm to himself and to the community. Alone you stood before God when he called you; alone you had to answer that call; alone you had to struggle and pray; and alone you will die and give an account to God. You cannot escape from yourself; for God has singled you out. If you refuse to be alone you are rejecting Christ’s call to you, and you can have no part in the community of those who are called.”

“But the reverse is also true. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.  Into the community you were called, the call was not meant for you alone; in the community of the called you bear your cross, you struggle, you pray. You are not alone, even in death, and on the Last Day you will be only one member of the great congregation of Jesus Christ. If you scorn the fellowship of the brethren, you reject the call of Jesus Christ, and thus your solitude can only be hurtful to you.”

“We recognize, then, that only as we are within the fellowship can we be alone, and only he that is alone can live in the fellowship. Only in the fellowship do we learn to be rightly alone and only in aloneness do we learn to live rightly in the fellowship."

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. Let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”       (from Life Together, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

So, like everything else in life, balance is required. 

My introverted self needs community to be sharpened.  My extroverted friends need some quiet time to deal with their own hearts.

And we get to live life together...just sometimes in our own rooms.

Date Night, Part One

A couple of years ago, my husband and I realized we needed to step up our date night game.  The kids were getting older, we were getting busier, and it was becoming easier and easier to forget about taking time to be together. 

One on one time. 

Where we dressed up. 

And ate nice food. 

And talked about big people things. 

And laughed.

And had new experiences together.

And came home not just loving each other, but really, really liking each other.

So, now it's something we prioritize, which is harder than it sounds.  And what we've found is that the more time and attention we put into our date nights, the more they lend themselves to heart connections and the more memorable they are.  Not that dinner and a movie isn't a perfectly nice thing to do, but if it's all we ever do, the dates seem to run together in retrospect instead of sticking out as special highlights as one calendar page turns to another.

But, I'll be honest.  It's hard to come up with creative dates again and again.  Which is why I'm a big fan of taking other people's ideas.  So, in the spirit of generosity, "Treasure the Ordinary" will be offering three date night ideas for the next three days, leading up to Valentine's Day.  I pray they might be a blessing to you as you jump start creativity in your relationship. 

And if you happen to be someone who is without a significant romantic relationship in your life right now, might I offer this suggestion?  What would happen if you prayed for God to show you someone who needed encouragement, someone who is alone in this season of their life, and asked them to accompany you on a friendly outing?  You can take these ideas, make them completely platonic, and you might just change someone's outlook on life.


Date Night #1:  "The Something New Date"

• Guys:  Bring your spouse a type of flower you've never purchased before when you come home!
• Go to a restaurant you've never been to before.
• Order something you've never ordered before.
• Tell each other a story you've never told before.
• Go to a bookstore and buy a "how to" kit for something you've never done before.  (Examples:  origami, playing the harmonica, paint by numbers, etc.) Go somewhere and tackle the new project together!
• Stop in for coffee before heading home in a new environment.  This is a great time to try out a new, hipster coffee joint!

What Does the Bible Say About Offense?

I am very often reminded of how different God's thoughts are from my own.  (Isaiah 55:8-9)  But, probably never more than when I contemplate the command to forgive those who I perceive have wronged me.  

The root of offense that leads to the tree of bitterness is not in the mind of God.  Instead, He calls me to things that do not come naturally.  

What He asks of me is counter-intuitive and counter-culture, but never counter-effective, for His thoughts are in and of themselves abundant life and the power to overcome.

What are His thoughts, then, on offense?  What does He tell me to do when I am tempted to hold on to unforgiveness?

I have found there is a large portion of Scripture devoted to putting His thoughts before me on this very subject.  Here are just a few of His instructions...

 

…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4: 1-3

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold….Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Ephesians 4:25-32

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.   Proverbs 15:1 

Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.  Proverbs 20:22 

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God…. If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.   James 1:19-26 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.    Matthew 6:14-15

Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled…  Hebrews 12:14-15

Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.  Proverbs 10:12

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.  Romans 12:17-21

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.  Mark 11:25 

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.   1 John 4:8

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices….Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  Colossians 3:5-14

You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.  Leviticus 19:18

Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.    Romans 14:10

The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.  Mark 12:31 

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.  Matthew 5:5-9 

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing well….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.  James 2:8-13

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.   If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful....   Luke 6:31-42

Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others… Philippinas 2:2-8

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.    Romans 13:8-10

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.   John 13:34-35

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.   Matthew 18:21-22

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?   Matthew 5:43-48

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.   Ecclesiastes 7:9

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.   Psalm 37:8-9

Whoever says he is in the light and hates his brother is still in darkness. Whoever loves his brother abides in the light, and in him there is no cause for stumbling. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes.  1 John 2:9-11

Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?   James 4:11-12

Let brotherly love continue.   Hebrews 13:1

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.   Galatians 6:1-3

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.   Philippians 4:8-9

My First Love

This is the second post I've written today.  The first is finished.  And it ministered powerfully---to me. 

I realized as I was writing it that it couldn't be shared.  It was just a conversation between me and the God who loves me.

And it was beautifully refreshing.

I'm beginning to understand that when I'm processing something and I seek to "talk it out" too early with a friend, my spouse, or even on a blog post, I can tend to cut short the finished work. 

We all need sounding boards (especially women!), but what happens when I do not allow Jesus to be the first to hear and to speak?  What do I miss by rushing to the input of the world instead of first sitting at His feet?

Yes, I have people who listen and listen well.  They exhort me and edify me, often reminding me of God's truths when I have trouble remembering.  I hold on to them in gratefulness.

But, I do have a first love.

And He has a cup of coffee, sweetened just the way I like it sitting beside Him at His table. 

I'm fairly certain it's my dream house table, a shabby farmhouse type with some vintage linens and plate ware. 

And I have a chair waiting for me right beside Him. 

My first love. 

My love whose eyes light up when I take a seat and put my hand in His.

Five Little Things That Could Change the World

Most of the time, our youngest two get along beautifully.  When they don't, something like this soundbite from last week happens:

"Sweetheart, your big brother told me you two weren't getting along.  You want to tell me what happened?"

Instant tears.

"I was mad at him."

"Really?  Why is that?"

"Because he wouldn't play what I wanted him to play."  Long pause.  "So, I said some mean things."

"Hmmmmm.  Isn't your brother your best friend?"  Head nodding.  "And is that how you want to treat your best friend?"

Very long pause.  More tears.

"No."

Ah.  And there's the problematic truth.  She has discovered she isn't always the friend she wants to be. 

And I can feel her pain.

How many times have I wished after the fact that my words had been different?  That I had been able to offer the comfort or encouragement that was in my heart in a more tangible way?  That I had been more faithful, more true, or more gracious?  That I had been the friend I want to have?

The follow up to our conversation included instructions for her to write out a list of things she wanted to be as a friend.  She threw herself into it, even typing up her list on the typewriter her Nana gave her for Christmas.

I couldn't agree more with her decisions:


five things how i will treat my frinds

one  nice

              tow kind

                     three no tochie toche  (Admittedly, we had to laugh at this one--it's a reference to making sure she never used her hands to hurt her friends, but it did come out kinda funny.)

                                   four playful


                                              five treted like i would want to be treted



Amen and amen. 

The Wrestling Match

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  - Ephesians 4:29

My husband read this beautiful verse in a church staff meeting today.  He read it slowly, pausing to emphasize each phrase.  That's how the words "according to their needs" stuck out so profoundly.

I usually have a lot I could say.  (Most women do.)

I often have a lot of helpful things to say.

But, to say helpful things...at the right time...in order to meet someone else's needs?  That is the gift I want to be able to give, again and again, to everyone around me.

And so we did that, right there in staff meeting today.  We went around the room and shared what we admired, respected, and appreciated in each staff member. 

And it was amazing.

The entire atmosphere of the room changed.  We entered a slightly tired and more than slightly overworked group of people, and we left with smiles on our faces and a spring in the step.

Because needs were met.  The deep needs that everyone has.  The need for someone else to notice what you do and call it important.  The need to be appreciated.  The need to feel like you're a part of a community who values you as a person and would miss you if you weren't around.

And I've thought about it all day.  How easy it was, really, and yet how hard.  Hard to speak about the impact someone's had on your life when they're right there across the table from you, looking you in the eye.  Harder still to be spoken to and told how special you are in someone's life without feeling the need to deflect it or make a joke.

And why should it be so hard?  Why doesn't it come naturally to build up other people, every day, all the time?  Why doesn't it come naturally to allow ourselves to be built up by another person's words?

And why should it be that hard when gossip and sarcasm come so easily?

This last question must be answered, in every heart where Christ resides.  And not a passing, flippant answer should be given.  It must be wrestled with it until victory is won, with all the poisonous talons of the enemy rooted out and cast aside.  It must be dealt with soundly until Ephesians 4:29 becomes the standard of all thought and every word.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

May it be so, Lord.  May it be so in me.

Wisdom's Blessing

My daughter fell from the swingset.  It scared her and it hurt.  The whole house full of boys and one anxious mama came running.  I wiped the blood away.  She cried.  I held her.  She cried some more. I rocked her in the big chair in the living room.  She cried some more.

Her best friend, who is also the brother two years older, watched with sad eyes, longing to comfort.  I didn't notice when he left the room, but I saw him return, triumph shining.  He was clutching a torn piece of notebook paper.  He thrust it out in front of his wounded sister.  "Here, here's your letter."  I assumed he had hastily drawn her a get-well picture.

Their eyes met.  She nodded.  And took it.

I continued to rock her. 

Minutes later, I glanced down at the notebook paper beside her.  In handwriting much too neat to be a brother's, it read,

"You are a gorgeis yong girl.  Thanks for being with me.  You are amazing."

Confused, I asked her about it.  Who wrote this?  Where did it come from?

"I did," she said simply.

"You wrote yourself this letter?"

"Yes, I wrote it and put it away in my room, so that when I was having a really bad day, I could look at it and remember."

"And the part about 'being with me?'  What did that mean?"

"Well, I'm always with myself."

I laughed outloud at her simple logic, but long after she was better and had returned to playing with her brother, I sat and thought about that one.

How extraordinarily wise is this slip of a girl.

To have the foresight to know confidence can be fleeting. 

To be prepared to strengthen her own heart when the need arises. 

To be a friend to herself.

And how extraordinarily blessed is this girl.

To have a friend who knows where to find the letter.

I pray today that you, treasured friend, will always be able to remember that you are gorgeous.  I bless you with the confidence of knowing you are amazing.  And I ask the Father on your behalf to always provide for you a friend who can sing in your ear the words of your own heart's melody if ever you can not.

An Old Friend Is The Best Friend

One of the deepest joys of growing older is the ripening of old friendships.  When you make a friend in your youth, it is a sweet thing.  When that person remains your friend into your adulthood, it is sweeter still.  And when you still have that friend as you grow old, it is precious beyond measure.

For who but an old friend can laugh with you over the outrageous mistakes you made in your young days, cry with you at the loss of your deepest dream, and at the same time rejoice with you over the answers God sends after a lifetime of prayers?

To know someone's strengths and weaknesses for decades and still call them friend.  To have shared life together for season after season, both the good and the bad, and still enjoy one more meal gathered round the table.  To look upon what someone has overcome and accomplished in their lifetime and find a complete lack of jealousy in your heart towards them, but only gratefulness.

This is old friendship. 

Treasure it. 

Is there an old friend in your life you need to thank today for the way they have grown with you and helped shaped you into what you are at this moment?  Even old friends need to hear from your own lips how much you value who they are to you.  Pick up a pen.  Pick up the phone.  And let them know you'll be around for this season they are facing right now, and the next one, and the next...

Come In This House

"All the believers were together and had everything in common....they broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God..."  (Acts 2:44-46)


The believers were together.  They broke bread together.  They were sincere with each other.


Where did it go?  How do we find ourselves alone and lacking deep relationships?


As much as we hate to admit it, it doesn't really have much to do with our busy schedules.  Rather, it's because opening our homes and inviting other people in makes us vulnerable.


Our houses, our yards, the food we put on the table--- we see them all as a reflection of ourselves.  And it's a scary thing to put ourselves on display, with all our weaknesses and imperfections.  It's easier to hole up, keep the circle small, meet people at a restaurant for dinner, or skip the family mingling all together and just stick with the occasional lunch date while the kids are at school.


But, what we miss out on is the sharing of life.  The sense of being a part of a circle of friends who really know each other.  The ability to say, "I'm not perfect, but I'll share who I am with you.  I'll not only invite you in, but I'll also step into your life without passing judgment on your imperfections.  I'll choose not to feed myself on the table that holds the wound from the last time I tried to go deep, and I'll learn with you how to live life in transparent friendship."


The day I took my family to a friend's house and stepped out to see the girls having their tea party in the back of the old family pick-up truck, something grabbed at my heart and I started snapping pictures, desperate to capture the moment.


Days later, as I pondered the images, it struck me.  I could do this.


I could choose to invite people into my world without having to perfect my world first.  I could share what I have in the moment without worrying that it's not enough.  I could seize every opportunity to see my friends laugh at my table instead of waiting until they'll be impressed by my domestic skills, which might very well mean I would wait forever.


I could offer myself like tea in a mason jar, and we can grow to be porcelain together.